The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

"Mom? I've got a question. The guys at school are using words I don't understand."



"What words, dear?"



"Pussy and bitch."



Mom inhaled sharply, but then said, "Oh, that's easy. A pussy is a cat, like our little Mittens. A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy."



"Thanks, Mom."



He then found his Dad out in the garage.



"Dad, the guys at school are using words I don't understand."



"What words, son?"



"Pussy and bitch. I asked Mom, but I don't think she told me the right meaning."



Dad said, "Son, never ask your mother about these things, ask me instead. Let me explain it like this ..." He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centerfold, drew a circle around the pubic area and said, "Son, everything inside the circle is pussy."



"Okay, Dad. Then what's a bitch?"



Dad replied, "Everything outside the circle!"

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.



"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.



"Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back," he replied. "I'll take care of expenses."



Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.



Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."



"Just wait until I get home," the doctor said, "and I will explain it to you."



Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room.



The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.



So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti... two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

An old lady dies and goes to heaven and is chatting to St Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams.



"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."



The old lady looks a little uncomfortable as St. Peter explains how Heaven works. Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams.



"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what's happening"?



"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."



"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell."



"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "you'll be raped and sodomized."



"Yes, but I've already got the holes for that."

GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.



ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.



GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?



ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.



GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it gro ws a little, they cut it -- sometimes twice a week.



GOD: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?



ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.



GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?



ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.



GOD: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?



ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.



GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.



ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.



GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer In the autumn leaves fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.



ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.



GOD: No fooling? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?



ST FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.



GOD: And where do they get this mulch?



ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.



GOD: Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?



ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a really stupid movie about....



GOD: Never mind. I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, he made an amazing discovery - Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!



"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that, the mortician used his scalpel to remove the dead man's privates.



He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.



The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, opening his briefcase.



"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

A couple of rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.



The rabbits ran into a briar patch to hide.



After catching his breath, the male rabbit asked the female rabbit, "Should we try to sneak away or just stay here till we outnumber them?""

Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife, Mary, to the hardware store.



At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.



When Carl was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?"



"That's silver and it costs $100!" replied Carl.



"My goodness, that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.



From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, how about some screws for that hinge?"



"No way!!!" replied Mary. "But how about one and the teapot's mine?"